If you are a fan of MeTV, you might recently, even this very morning, have seen a rerun of the police drama Dragnet. The episodes began with the phrase, “The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.”
As a disclaimer for purposes of this article, I begin with a similar statement. “The article you are about to read is based on actual events, but incorporates a missive the author received long ago in an email. No actual names are disclosed to protect the dignity and identity of anyone who might be implicated.”
Lafe Simpson’s father died when he was sixteen. Lafe and his mother continued living in the house the family had rented for more than a decade. Mr. Simpson left his wife and child practically destitute upon his death, but their church and the community supported them in their great time of need.
Lafe graduated high school. Due to the family’s economic disadvantage and the excellent financial aid provided by the government at that time, Lafe was able to leave home to attend college. His mother almost, but not quite, begged Lafe to stay home with her. Lafe replied that he could not do what he felt called to do in life without attending college.
When Lafe’s father died, a few people told Lafe to be prepared, that available men would reach out to attempt to establish a relationship with his mother. Lafe, for various reasons per his youth, found that hard to believe. Lafe was surprised when there were potential “suitors” who approached his mother.
One of those “suitors” turned out to be a man Lafe had known and liked when he knew him as a child; however, when Ed approached Lafe’s mother with an interest in forming a relationship, Lafe was extremely upset and angry. Lafe could not quite get over the fact that Ed and his father had been “drinking buddies”.
Of course, Lafe was living in college housing in a city some distance away, so he did not often have to be around a man he despised more and more each and every time he was around him.
One weekend Lafe came home for a visit, and Mrs. Simpson told him, “Ed has asked me to marry him.” Lafe thanked his mother for letting him know so he could make arrangements. Mrs. Simpson asked what arrangements, and Lafe replied, “So I can find another place to live. I don’t intend to live in the same house with that sot!” Lafe made it plain that while he had no control over having to live in his alcoholic father’s house, he certainly did not intend to ever again live with a drunkard.
Lafe was relieved when his mother declined Ed’s proposal. Even so, Ed did not go away, but Lafe loathingly tolerated Ed as best he could on his visits home.
During a weekend visit near the end of Lafe’s freshman year, Mrs. Simpson informed Lafe that they were going to have to move. Lafe went to see John Wilson, the landlord, to find out why he and his mother were being evicted. John “flat out” told Lafe that there was talk all over town that Mrs. Simpson and Ed were “shacking up” (I wonder how many young people don’t know what that means). John said he had been approached by countless community members about the deplorable situation, asking how long John intended to “put up” with it.
Lafe told his mother about his conversation with John. Then Mrs. Simpson told Lafe “the rest of the story,” as Paul Harvey would have said.
Lafe’s half-sister Rosa June expressed interest in buying a car from Ed. Rosa June was supposed to come see the car, so Ed left it in Mrs. Simpson’s driveway until Rose June could come look it over. True to her fickle nature, Rosa June did not come for several days, so Ed’s car sat in Mrs. Simpson’s driveway for the better part of a week. Several community members passed by the house the Simpsons rented, and assumptions and speculation led to gossip. Eventually, this resulted in a visit from Mr. Peters, a prominent member of the community church the Simpsons attended. Mrs. Simpson explained why the car was so long in the driveway. She invited Mr. Peters and any other of her accusers to come to her home any time of any day or night to see for themselves what was going on.
Lafe knew that his mother was a virtuous woman—she just had bad taste in companions. Lafe knew that whether or not Mrs. Simpson was believed, John Wilson just wanted to rid himself of an aggravating situation. Knowing the Wilsons as he did, Lafe figured it was more John’s wife Terry who was so outraged and wanted the Simpsons to move. John probably asked the Simpsons to move to “shut up” his wife. Nonetheless, the eviction added one more stick of wood to the fire of his dislike for Ed, now the cause of eviction from the beloved house in which he was raised.
Ed did his best to redeem himself. Ed, though an alcoholic, was well-liked in the community. He contacted his friends and family and helped Mrs. Simpson find another house to rent. Though the rent was five times the amount that John had charged, the new rental house was in much better condition that John’s property.
As with most gossip, the mongers moved on to more current victims. Though Mrs. Simpson struggled with her increased rent amount, she and Fate persevered, and in less than a decade owned their own home.
The story goes on with a more ironic twist. Mr. Peters later visited Ms. Hamilton, another widow in the community, carrying another accusation of adultery. Mr. Peter’s reasoning was that the car of another prominent official, Mr. Peter’s business rival, was often parked in front of the widow’s house. When Mr. Peters confronted Ms. Hamilton, she spoke not a word. Later that evening, Ms. Hamilton’s car appeared in front of Mr. Peter’s house, as it did every evening throughout the night for a week. The point was made. Unfortunately for Mrs. Simpson, she neither had a car nor could she drive. Unlike Ms. Hamilton, Mrs. Simpson’s only option was to stand firm on her integrity in face of ridicule and scorn.
Situations like this must happen often, especially in small towns. Consider the old country song “Harper Valley PTA”. That song tells a story worth a YouTube listen.
Well, Dear Reader, that is the end of this week’s “episode” in writing. What follows is a commercial, if you will, straight from the files of my email. You will not be surprised that I take a little liberty in editing that email just for my and your reading pleasure.

Designated

From a county where drunk driving is considered a sport comes this true story. A routine police patrol parked outside a bar. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar, apparently so intoxicated he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”
"I doubt it,” said the truly proud Redneck. ‘Tonight, I'm the designated decoy!”

ANSWER TO QUESTION OF THE WEEK # 64
Why is my friend no longer allowed in record stores? (ANSWER: He is known for breaking records.)

QUESTION OF THE WEEK # 65
Why did the belt go to jail? (See next week’s article in historicunioncounty.com for the answer.)