Summer is in full swing. Several students are registering for college courses that begin in the fall. For non-Appalachian Americans and those from other countries, wouldn’t it be wonderful if an SSL class was offered?
The Appalachian region of the southeastern United States in unique in many ways, not the least of which is the local dialect of English spoken. Southern Appalachian natives are full of unique dialectical and idiomatic language patterns. Orthodox practitioners of standardized “King’s English” are sometimes bewildered at the language idiosyncrasy.
In America’s public schools, English as a Second Language (ESL) classes have been offered for some time for non-native or non-English Language Background (NELB) students. For non-Appalachian Americans and those from other countries, and all those having a hard time understanding Southern expressions and culture, wouldn’t it be wonderful if SSL (Southernness as a Second Language) classes were available?
I have an undergraduate degree in English that was awarded in East Tennessee. Furthermore, I have lived in East Tennessee all my life. I feel qualified by education and experience to conclude the following: standard “King’s English” can be taught. To be fully understood and appreciated, Appalachian language and customs must be experienced.
Following are just a few examples (most from emails I’ve received throughout the years, some of my own design) of what might be taught and learned about Southern language in an SSL class.

1. In the South, “y’all” is singular, “all y’all” is plural.
2. Only a Southerner knows the difference between a “hissie fit” and a “conniption fit”, and that you don’t HAVE them, you PITCH them.
3. Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder”.
4. Only a Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” (sometimes pronounced “dreckly”) is, as in, “Goin’ to town, be back dreckly.”)
5. A “zink” is used for washing hands or dishes.
6. A man’s female child is his “doiter” (rhymes with goiter).
7. When your father asks, “What time does that school “take up books’?”, he means what time of the day does school begin, not which day books are collected from students at the end of the year.
8. Canada is not a foreign country; rather, it is a container, most likely a Mason jar, as in, “You bring the ‘taters’, and I’ll bring a canada best beans we’ve got.”
9. Even Southern babies know that, “Gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular, sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
10. Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash.
Not only language instruction, but cultural understanding could be fostered in an SSL class.

1. Southerners don’t need a meteorologist to predict summer weather: it is consistently humidity, HUMIDITY, HUMIDITY!!!!!!! The further south, the greater the humidity.
2. Southerners know their prime vacation spots: the beach, the “rivuh”, the “crick”.
3. Southerners know the movies that speak to their hearts: Fried Green Tomatoes, Driving Miss Daisy, Steel Magnolias, Gone With the Wind.
4. Southerners know their cities that drip with Southern charm: “Chawl’stn, S’vanah, Foat Wuth, N’awlins, Addlanna”.
5. Southerners know their elegant gentlemen: men in uniform, men in tuxedos, Rhett Butler.
6. Southern girls know their prime real estate: the mall, the country club, the beauty salon.
7. Southern girls also know the three deadly sins: bad hair and nails, bad manners, cooking bad food (as opposed to good comfort food).
8. Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up “a mess”.
9. No true Southern boy would ever say:
a. “We’re vegetarians.”
b. “She’s too young to be wearing that bikini.”
c. “Those cutoffs ought to be a little longer, Mary Ann.”
10. No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
To any of you Dear Readers who think I’m being irreverent, or making fun of the Southern way of life, rest assured that I have lived in the great state of Tennessee all my life. I am a product of and love the culture of the southeastern United States. It’s good medicine to be able to find humor in our language and culture. Remember the Scriptures:

A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance: but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken. (Proverbs 15:13 KJV)

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. (Proverbs 17:22 KJV)

Never let anyone allow you to feel inferior because of your “Southernness”; however, should you ever be embarrassed by your “Southernness”, take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call someone in the morning who cares.
Bless your sweet l’il heart!!!!!

ANSWER TO QUESTION OF THE WEEK # 68
What do you ask an atom when something’s bothering it? (ANSWER: What’s the matter?)

QUESTION OF THE WEEK # 69
How much room do you need to grow a fungus? (See next week’s article in historicunioncounty.com for the answer.)